Magic of Words

Love is not enough because
We built our hearts around trust,
we vowed to honor the boundaries
that guard each other’s peace.
But each day,
you open hidden doors,
and I am left wondering
if your words were only words.
Are promises too fragile to keep?

म हिँड्दै छु, गन्तव्य मेरो मृत्यु, मृत्युबाट भाग्दै, कहिले लुक्दै कहिले लड्दै म हिँड्दै छु, मृत्युलाई भेट्न भ्रममा छु, ठुलो भ्रममा कहिले अस्पतालमा अलिकति समय किन्छु, कहिले मदिरा पसलमा अलिकति मृत्यु किन्छु थाहा छैन मेरो तराजुमा समय धेरै छ कि मृत्यु ? तर मलाई थाहा छ म हिँड्दै छु, गन्तव्य मेरो मृत्यु यो गन्तव्य मैले रोजेको होइन आमाको गर्भ देखी निर्धारित नै छ मेरो मात्र होइन, तिम्रो, तिम्रो अनि तिम्रो  अनि हामी सबैको गन्तव्य निश्चित छ । । । 

The worst feeling in the world is the feeling of being unwanted and unloved. For some reason, I always felt I was not enough. I tried to hurt my body in several ways in order to compensate for the pain that I had in my heart. I also tried to harden my emotions, stiffen my voice, shorten my smile, and make myself forlorn. I slept for hours and hours; not because I was lazy but just to escape this life, escape the ugliest feelings that I had in my head. Every night when I lay on my bed, surrounded by a net, covered by a huge blanket, just peeping my nose for air, I could not still resist my insecurities. The dark walls in front of me, frightened me every night. I listened to the most painful songs as if I were addicted to that pain. I spelled my emotions on social media where I was always judged and never really understood. I gave myself to the people who I thought were mine and they gave me an emptiness with my anxiety intensified and my soul suffered a great loss. I still did not give up on closing my eyes and suffocated to fall asleep, suffocated to breathe. It pains me to say that I woke up with an ache in my throat, and everlasting torture in my mind like an incurable disease. When I realized that it was not me but my emotions guiding me to the hawking’s black hole and sucking the life out of me, I became alert enough to not let myself fall on that pitch.  There’s very little difference between love and hatred, happiness and sadness, peace and conflict, being high and being low. I sealed my eyes with my eyelids for the sake of opening up to the divine truth of the universe. But the closure of my eyes was not enough to experience that ravishing delight as the unwanted thoughts kept on dancing in my head, so wildly, so unwelcomingly. I decided to shut myself from every earthly creation and open the gate to the most pious energy beyond the stars and planets. That night I traversed the high Himalayas, blue dark clouds, stars, planets, and many more. The view was astounding. When I went further I was surrounded by darkness deeper than that of my room wall. That was really adventurous. But there was no reason to be scared as I myself was the light. I wanted to explore every inch of the universe that was spreading divine love to me. I went further in search of the heaven that I had always heard of. I crossed the solar family and many other solar families and reached a big tree that was shiny, and decorated with lights. And my earthly brain thought that they must be celebrating some kind of festival. It was exciting to know that the universe also celebrated festivals. I went closer to that tree as if that was welcoming me with the greatest gratitude. When I was very close to the tree, the light grew tremendous but never that huge to make me blind. There was no air at all but I did not suffocate for the first time. I looked carefully and realized that it was a big gathering of several stars making a tree-like shape. I could listen to the godly silence and experience the beguiling beauty of creation. Yes, I could not find heaven but I did not even bother to look for any heaven as I was completely mesmerized by the deific essence. Not for a moment, I thought of earth. I did not want gravity to pull me back to the ground again. I wanted to stay there forever as I felt so welcomed and loved and cared for and admired. But then at the highest speed ever, I was drawn back to the bed of mine. And this time the morning was wearing a complete beauty in its arrival. The sun was waiting for me whispering: “after you, dear”. I noticed my unaltered breath and my mended soul full of heavenly peace. It felt as if I really had been to heaven. I smiled at the wall reminding it that it would never be able to scare me again. It was really nice to know that I was given another beautiful day to live.

Neither it can be seen nor it can be touched but that doesn’t mean it ceases to exist. It’s like completely transparent air, that’s why you feel it and you cannot live without it. It can make you or break you. It can bring you to melancholy or elation within a fraction of a second. The more you try to perceive with your eyes, the more it becomes invisible. There’s only one way to know it and it is to believe that it is there. The “it” mystery that I’ve been talking about is none other than brain or mind or intellect or sense or grey matter: whatever you call it. When the mind becomes different or functions differently from the defined definition of normal behavior, it is called mental illness. In other words, a condition that causes serious disorder in a person’s thinking or behavior is defined as mental illness. Since its symptoms are completely different from the signs of cough or cancer, we cannot always figure out the kind of mental illness and its medications. We are not too far from the fact that no mental illness can be fully cured through medical pills as it also requires an individual’s effort, changes in lifestyle and thoughts, acceptance, and a certain level of consciousness. In simple words let’s regard it as more dangerous than HIV AIDS or cancer as living with mental illness is itself a hell that can make a person end their own life at any time. My research on causes of mental disturbances You become what you eat. The simpler it sounds, the more complex it is in reality. Foods might make your brain function more or less than necessary. When the brain has to operate more or less than its capacity, it leads to mental illness. It is proven that eating just before going to bed or eating a full stomach before sleeping causes nightmares. The reason behind this is that the brain needs to function more in order to carry out metabolism activity and hence brain waves are induced causing nightmares. The intake of foods like fried food, processed meat, refined cereals, candy, pastries, and high-fat dairy products can make the person more anxious and depressed. Foods like chicken, egg, milk, fruits, and vegetables release more serotonin in the brain and one can vividly remember their dreams. Serotonin is a feel-good hormone that is advantageous for mental health. On the other hand, It’s good to avoid foods and drinks containing caffeine and gluten as they hold the record of causing anxiety. Here let’s take an example of a mango plant. We know that mango plants always give mango as a fruit. In the same way, the children bear the properties of their parents. The DNA cells are transferred from parents to children exhibiting similar physical and psychological properties. But there’s always a chance of exception in human beings because each individual is different. Among the several mental diseases; bipolar disorder, one in ten children of the same parents can have it. In the patients having schizophrenia, there’s a 10% chance that one parent brother, or sister has the disease. The chance increases to 40% if both the parents have the disease and the chance goes up to 50% if the twin brother or sister has schizophrenia.  Stress is one of the inevitable parts of human life. Like we cannot imagine a day without night, happiness always comes along with a bit of sadness and that’s the rule of the universe. Stress neither comes with an expiry date nor with any manufacturing date. When a sensitive mind cannot handle the pressure of distress, it leads to several different mental diseases. It also gives birth to several different physical diseases and worsens the illness if it already exists. The deep injury in the head due to accidents can also lead to mental illness. There is a saying in our Nepalese society that we should never hit someone, especially a child in the head. It is said so because even minor brain injuries can lead to serious and unrecoverable mental illnesses for a lifetime. The head injury can lead to nerve damage that in turn causes mental trauma. That is why we can analyze that every head problem is more or less connected with the mental health and thoughts of the person (For instance migraine). It is said that childhood is the foundation of life. Whatever shape one’s life takes depends on childhood. That is why we bear the major responsibility to provide the best suitable environment for our children to nurture and grow. It is said that we become what we are fed and hence a child should always be fed good culture and foods to make their health and future bright and beautiful. The famous saying from William Wordsworth ”A child is the father of a man”, also symbolizes the same thing in a deeper scenario. When an unexpected event happens in life, we cannot control the flow of certain hormones in our brain and body. Either it overflows or underflows according to the situation and seriousness of the event. Sometimes we become completely shattered from within and it becomes impossible to console ourselves and recovery from that event is impossible. For example, unexpected death, unexpected lottery, sudden loss or gain of plenty of wealth, etc affects our mind in such a way that we fall into that deep pit of mental illness being helpless to retrieve ourselves from that. The movement of mind and body are inversely proportional to each other. When we are physically active, the circulation of blood in the brain is efficient. Due to this the movement and functioning of oxygen and other nutrients is high in the brain which keeps our nervous system healthy. Exercise promotes feeling good chemicals in the brain. It is also proved that crying increases awareness like yoga or martial arts. Crying also loses weight as stressful hormones pass through tears. However, crying every day

For all your children that I turned dead The sins I committed, the mistakes I made I know this destiny is gonna fade Because You are the reason that I’m created Before this world, this life This universe and this birth I believe we were there Together with trust I strangled your love and Slowly betrayed you with time I broke your trust and God, you constantly amended mine Neither mother nor the moon is that white, How come you are so spotless, so clear, and bright? She born my body through her body And  You born my soul through your divine light Let me now be yours Since you were always mine Although I ignored you You were the one for me in hard times Fingers are pointed at Both you and they Where they blame my needs  And you show me the way The only thing I lament on is you making me so sensitive Too delicate for this time and pace Too slow to compete for this storm and race Oh God!!! What is going to take my life? Covid-19 or stress? Throughout my entire life I have been a sinner All those innocent animals I just treated them as dinner This pandemic has arrived to make me realize my crimes While I reach for the rhymes, You make me forget the verse For your beautiful creation, I became a curse Sorry, God, I became worse! I concreted your warm earth I polluted your pure water I slaughtered your innocent children I turned this nature into an absolute drain I boasted about my weapons I bragged about my inventions I disbelieved your existence Oh God, I was such nonsense! I collected plenty of wealth As if those riches I would take Corona is a lesson that I must intake A self-realization period, a vague break. God, give me enough strength To inhale this wild Corona air As I have been losing my patience All I need is your love, guidance, and care