RED PART : 3

"How are you feeling miss Manishaa?"...........

I looked up to see a young, beautiful, smiling lady in sky blue typical nurse's uniform standing beside me.

                "Umm....better",i whispered.

I was lying in a bed (bed covered with blue bed sheets), my head resting on a soft pillow(that felt the softest pillow ever). The room was probably 320 square feet having spotlessly white-colored walls.
On my left was a table (flower vase stayed calmly on the table), beside the table was a huge grey lounge(so huge that three like me could easily sleep).

"How am I supposed to be here?....err...what happened to me?....and who brought me here?......since how long I'm here?..."I asked politely to the nurse and tried to be as calm as possible.
My questions followed one after another like the semester exams not giving them time to pause(till then I was aware of being in a hospital bed).....

"Miss Manisha, Please take this medicine and rest. You can go once the doctor comes," she said in a soft pampering voice and handed me a few tablets and water and went out of the room leaving me full of quests! (how could she not answer me, man!)

I had to obey her as she was a nurse reflecting the love of a mother. In the foreign land, we rarely find such care and nourishment(but I would rather make a nurse friend for the motherly love than to lie on a hospital bed like a dead body).

 I turned right and then left trying to fall asleep in order to get rid of every question that was dancing in my head. On the table in the corner of the room, I saw a flower vase with a few daisies and tulips mixed with few artificial floras.

The only things that could make me really happy in any condition were dogs and flowers. I saw the second one, fortunately. So that was finally a joyous moment for me as long as I remembered being there.

Then suddenly I started feeling dizzy followed by a blur vision. I thought it was the medicine that I had just taken. I closed my eyes ....but still the blur images of some kind of celebration kept on coming. I opened my eyes in frustration and saw a DARK RED flower in between yellows and greens. The images reflected more vividly like that of a 'negative' filter of my beauty cam. I could see myself swimming like a pro swimmer(i never knew to swim), and then some kind of celebration where an old man was opening a bottle of champagne. There the whole atmosphere was full of joy. I tried to search for myself in that crowd but could not find it. The three moments kept on recurring one after the other as if it was programmed with no end loop condition. I clenched my teeth as the electric pulses on my head started giving me shocks (the pain was like that of an electric shock) flowing from my head to toe. Being unable to resist, I screamed with every energy that I had, the frequency of my voice almost cracking the glass door.

The nurse rushed inside the room with a doctor. They quickly injected some liquid inside me. I used to be on the peak of nervousness whenever I saw an injection but this time it did not even appear scary. The injection seemed more like a friend, piercing me to heal me(sometimes real friends become our pain to save us from some greater pain).
I could not speak a word after that. I stared at the white ceiling without blinking (without even seeing the ceiling). I felt comfortably numb. The white ceiling had a red mark, a mark of the same red flower that was on the vase.No yellow not green but RED. I could not get a hint of what the hell was going on with red that I was unable to resist it's the view. Maybe I was suffering from erythrophobia (fear of red color) Or maybe there was a story hidden behind the red flower. The second one seemed stronger in this war zone of my thoughts.

While battling between the maybe and maybe not, a drop of tear fell from my right eye to intervene in the war (like that of a referee in the WWE). I closed my eyes helping the tear escape fully from the corner of my eye(with a pinch of hope of escaping the inexpressible torture along with tears).
The pitch-black darkness behind my closed eyes and me, they looked the same.

"Ma" meant me and "Nishaa" meant a night in Nepali. So that combined to let anyone imagine a dark night (within dark me). Yet in that darkness, the flower REDDENED even more gloriously.

picture source:pixabay.com

My Journey to heaven

universe beyond imagination

The worst feeling in the world is the feeling of being unwanted and unloved. For some reason, I always felt I was not enough. I tried to hurt my body in several ways in order to compensate for the pain that I had in my heart. I also tried to harden my emotions, stiffen my voices, shorten my smile, and make myself forlorn. I slept for hours and hours; not because I was lazy but just to escape this life, escape the ugliest feelings that I had in my head. Every night when I lay on my bed, surrounded by a net, covered by a huge blanket, just peeping my nose for air, I could not still resist my insecurities. The dark walls in front of me, they frightened me every night. I listened to the most painful songs as if I was addicted to that pain. I spelled my emotions in social media where I was always judged and never really understood. I gave myself to the people who I thought were mine and they gave me an emptiness with my anxiety intensified and my soul suffered a great loss. I still did not give up to close my eyes and suffocated to fall asleep, suffocated to breathe. It pains me to say that I woke up with an ache in my throat, everlasting torture in my mind like an incurable disease. When I realized that it was not me but my emotions guiding me to the hawking's black hole and sucking the life out of me, I became alert enough to not let myself fall on that pitch. 

There's very little difference between love and hatred, happiness and sadness, peace and conflict, being high and being low.

I sealed my eyes with my eyelids for the sake of opening up to the divine truth of the universe. But the closure of eyes was not enough to experience that ravishing delight as the unwanted thoughts kept on dancing on my head, so wildly, so unwelcomingly. I decided to shut myself from every earthly creation and open the gate to the most pious energy beyond the stars and planets. That night I traversed the high Himalayas, blue dark clouds, stars, planets, and many more. The view was astounding. When I went further I was surrounded by darkness deeper than that of my room wall. That was really adventurous. But there was no reason to be scared as I myself was the light. I wanted to explore every inch of the universe that was spreading divine love to me. I went more further in search of heaven that I had always heard of. I crossed the solar family and many other solar families and reached near a big tree that was shiny, decorated with lights. And my earthly brain thought that they must be celebrating some kind of festival. It was exciting to know that the universe also celebrated festivals. I went more closer to that tree as if that was welcoming me with the greatest gratitude. When I was very close to the tree, the light grew tremendous but never that huge to make me blind. There was no air at all but I did not suffocate for the first time. I looked carefully and realized that it was a big gathering of several stars making a tree-like shape. I could listen to the godly silence and experience the beguiling beauty of creation. Yes, I could not find heaven but I did not even bother to look for any heaven as I was completely mesmerized by the deific essence. Not for a moment, I thought of earth. I did not want gravity to pull me back to the ground again. I wanted to stay there forever as I felt so welcomed and loved and cared for and admired.

But then at the highest speed ever, I was drawn back to the bed of mine. And this time the morning was wearing a complete beauty in its arrival. The sun was waiting for me whispering: "after you, dear". I noticed my unaltered breathe and my mended soul full of heavenly peace. It felt as if I really had been to heaven. I smiled at the wall reminding it that it will never be able to scare me again. It was really nice to know that I was given another beautiful day to live.

one light staring the other

तपाईं तपाईंको दिमाग हैन !

तपाईं तपाईंको दिमाग हैन |

आजको अस्तब्यस्त समाजमा हामी खुशी ,सम्पन्नता, सन्तुस्टि,सुरक्षा ,माया आदिको खोजिमा दिन रात कुदिरहेका हुन्छौँ |हामी मध्ये धेरैलाई त आफु के का लागि हिड्दै छु भन्ने सोच्न सम्म नि फुर्सद हुँदैन |बाहिरी बस्तुहरुमा आफ्नु खुशी खोज्ने हाम्रो बानिले गर्दा नै आज हामी गहिरो
दु:खमा छौं |बाहिरी बस्तु भन्नाले ति सबै कुराहरु जस्लाई हामी मेरो भन्ने गर्छौं;जस्तै: मेरो घर ,मेरो गाडी ,मेरो जमिन ,मेरी श्रीमती ,मेरो श्रीमान्,मेरा बच्चा ,मेरो शरीर |यी सबै केही नभएर तपाईंको दिमागले खेलेको खेल हो |समाजले या भनौ तपाईंको हुर्केको सेरोफेरोले तपाईंलाई केही नियमहरु सिकाएको जस्को पालन तपाईं दिन रात गर्दै हुनुहुन्छ बिना  कुनै प्रश्न किनभने ति नियमहरु तपाईंको दिमागमा सेट भएका छन् |तपाइले दिमागलाई चलाऊनु पर्ने थियो तर आजको बिडम्बना दिमागले तपाईंलाई चलाई रहेछ

यो सबै पडिरहदा तपाईंलाई मेरा कुराहरु निक्कै दार्शनीक् लाग्लान् |येदि सबै कुराहरु हुँदा हुँदै पनि जीवन अधुरो जस्तो लाग्छ,आफुलाई सधैं दुखी मात्र पाउनु हुन्छ, बिना कारण रिश उठ्छ, मनमा धेरै कुराहरु खेलिरहन्छ भने आउनुहोस् एक्छिन समय दिएर पढ्नुहोस् ,म बिस्तारै एक एक गरी बुजाउन प्रयास गर्छु | 

मलाई याद आउछ सानो हुँदा खेलेको एउटा खेलको जहाँ आफ्नु हात ,खुट्टा सबै एक एक गर्दै छुदा पनि मैले आफुलाई छुन असफल भएको |शायद तपाईंले पनि पक्कै पनि खेल्नु भयो होला त्यो खेल |आज आएर हेर्दा सबै रहस्य त त्यही खेलमा रहेछ भन्ने थाहा हुँदै छ |
एदी घाटमा लास जलाएको हेर्नु भएको छ भने मेरो कुरा बुज्न अली सजिलो हुनेछ |तर त्यो द्रिस्य आजसम्म देख्नु भएको छैन भने पनि केही छैन ,तपाइले सकारात्मक् सोच राखेर बुज्ने प्रयास गर्नु भयो भने अवस्य मेरा कुराहरुको निस्कर्श निकल्नुहुनेछ | म खडेरिमा परेकाहरुको लागि पानी बोकेर आएको त हैन तर समुन्द्रको बाटो देखाउन सक्छु ,यात्रा त तपाईंले आँफै गर्नु पर्नेछ |
 तपाईंले सबैभन्दा बडी प्रेम गर्ने ब्यक्तिलाई याद गर्नुस् |अब उस्को मृत्‍युको कल्पना गर्नुस् |थाहा छ गाह्रो छ तर पनि गर्नुस् किनभने एक दिन जानु त सबैले छ | के उस्को लाशलाई तपाईं घरमा सजाएर राख्नु हुन्छ ?अब तपाईंलाई बिस्तारै आभास हुनेछ कि प्रेम तपाईंले शरीरलाई हैन त्यो ब्यक्तिको शरीरमा भएको जीवनलाई गर्नुभएको थियो | एस्को मत्लब शरीर तपाईं हैन |कुनै पनि ब्यक्ति जन्मिन्छ भने मर्छ पनि |मर्नु भनेको सरल रुपमा शरीर लाई छोड्नु |
बैज्ञानीकहरुले पनि मान्छेमा शरीर बाहेक एउटा शक्ती भएको पत्ता लगाएका छन् |धर्मिक ग्रन्थहरुमा पनि एस्को चर्चा भएको छ |तर म धार्मिक हैन न त बैज्ञानीक नै हो  |म त केवल आफ्नु ज्ञान बाढ्दै छु जस्लाई सबैले लिन सक्दैनन र जस्ले लिन सक्छन् उनिहरुले संसार जित्छन्|सरिर तपाईं हैन भन्ने कुरा त प्रस्ट भयो होला |
अब बिचार गर्नुस् !
तपाईं आज भन्दा पनि हिजो र भोलिमा धेरै बाचिरहनुभएको हुन्छ|जीवनमा कहिलै नघटेको घटनालाई मनमा खेलाएर आफुलाई दुखी बनाइरहनु भएको हुन्छ|एक्पल्ट बिचार गर्नुस् त! दिमाग एउटा एस्तो यन्त्र हो जुन खाली रहन सक्दैन ,तेसैले तपाईंले नचाहे पनि यो बोलिरहन्छ अनी तपाईं भित्र भित्रै तनाबमा रहनु हुन्छ|एस्को समाधान के हो त भन्ने सोच्दै हुनुहुन्छ ?समाधान छ | अब एक्पल्ट तपाईंको दिमागलाई शान्त बनाउनुस् | शहज छैन |एस्को लागि एउटा उपाय छ|आफुलाई दिमागबाट पर राखेर दिमागले के सोच्दैछ हेर्नुस् |तर यहाँ दिमागसग नरिसाउनुस् ,मात्र हेर्नुस् |हेर्दा खेरी दिमाग प्रती कुनै धारणा नबनाउनुस् |तपाइको वास्तविक रुपले यो जानेको छैन |सही गलत रिश राग राख्ने सबै काम दिमागको हो |तेसैले दिमागलाई हेर्नुस् |केवल एती गर्नाले तपाईंले आदी बिजय प्राप्त गर्नु भएको छ |अब फेरी दिमागले अर्को के कुरा सोच्छ भनेर पर्खिनुस् |एकदम ध्यान दिएर पर्खिनुस् |केही बिचार आएन हैन ?अब तपाईंले आफ्नु दिमागको नियन्त्रन गर्नु भएको छ |एस्ले तपाईंलाई चरम आनन्दको अनुभुती गराउनेछ |
तपाईंको शरीर र दिमाग तपाईं हैन |यो त प्रकृतिको देन हो जुन हामीले छोडेर जानै पर्छ |तपाइ एउटा सानु प्रकाशको पुन्ज हुनुहुन्छ अथवा भनौ शक्ती हुनुहुन्छ जुन अबिनाशी छ |तपाइ अमर हुनुहुन्छ| एही अमर भएको आनन्दमा रमाउनुस् र आफ्नु बास्तविक् रुपमा रहने प्रयास गर्नुस् |रिश, लोभ , घमन्ड सबै दिमागको खेल हो  जस्लाई तपाईंले नियन्त्रन गर्न सक्नु हुन्छ |कुनै पनि बिषयमा अटल धारणा बनाउनु अघी फेरी बिचार  गर्नुहोस् किनभने दिमागले तपाईंलाई नचाइरहेको हुनसक्छ |अब देखी दिमागलाई नियन्त्रन गर्नुहोस् र हासी खुशी रहनु होस् |

(केही प्रश्न भये कमेन्ट गर्नुहोला|)

MIRROR

Whenever I stare at the large mirror of my tiny room, it shows two images of me: one vivid and another blur. In the first one, I find a pretty face in a perfect curvy body with the best complexion. It then makes me know that I am already what every girl would ever imagine being. I am compelled by my mirror to envy my own beauty. Glaring at my blue eyeballs, I wink at myself, I fall in love with myself.

Suddenly another image appears right in front of me where I see my face coated with black kazol(kazol mixed in my tears), I see small blue eyes with dreams as big as my mirror but vast fear surrounding it, I look at the stains of ugly touches on my body, they stink and I suffocate to survive, I notice sinister looks of men all over my curvy body and then I hate my body, I hate me more.

People curse those parents who kill their daughters in the womb but I bless them. I bless them because I have known,felt, and witnessed unsafe nights, scary public roads, demons in the face of men, forever blinded society(with their norms to always blame a girl, no matter what!). I guess those parents knew it already that's why they gave her a peaceful death.

With my loud voices, I declare"WORLD IS NOT SAFE FOR GIRLS. PLEASE BORN ONLY SONS UNTIL THERE REMAINS NO FEMALE IN THE WORLD! THEN LET'S SEE WHO RAPES WHO?"

Sorry to have said that boys. I do love men in the face of my father, my brother, my friends. The incident that has been permanently saved in my drive, drives me crazy every day. Let me tell you this in short.

I used to be a sports lover. I am still. I was selected from my college for a volleyball competition and I had to go to another city for that. We were in a group along with seniors and juniors. Despite my worst health condition, I practiced my best. My personal life was going like hell(ex-boyfriend kinds of stuff ( let's not talk about losers here). It was the day of the game when everyone went earlier and then I was the one who was left alone on the topmost floor (alone with my fever). I was lying almost unconscious in my bed when I felt a huge body garbing me from the back. I froze with fear. It was THE COACH. I couldn't believe that a person like a mentor would ever do such a thing to me. Well, it was not my first experience of introduction with such demons(i have been facing that since my childhood). I made him leave the room anyway and cried my heart out almost to death.

The thing that surprises me most is that those who were later on told about the incident did not take any action against that coach. Those are the guys who give vast lectures on women's rights and the protection of girls. These days I become more scared by thinking that what if i had been raped that day? Were they waiting for me to be raped to punish that demon? Or are they just taking it simple and minding their own business? I was more hurt by the ones who I thought were my well-wishers and who promised to give me justice than that coach who I had met just a few days before. 

Today let me announce dear well-wishers: now I have realized my power(the eternal power that your mother has, that my mother has and every woman of the world have). So next time if I see you on the street, with few candles. seeking justice for some innocent rape victim or talking about women's rights, I will hang you guys right there and afterward the culprit! because you guys are responsible to encourage the culprits. when people around the victim act as if nothing has happened they demotivate the victim and motivate the culprit.

NOW, as I have seen myself from my spirits, I don't stare at the mirror. I just look at it and I still see two images. The first one is the same and I adore it. The second one has become more visible to me. Now I feel like washing off my Kazol, bathing away the stinks from my body, and finally accepting the other me.

P.S. MY EYES: there is no fear anymore but don't look at them, they'll make you frightened for sure.

picture source:pixabay.com

From girl's perspective

As I never liked plans [my logic: plans generate expectations and expectations always hurts], I  surprised him with my message to meet me which he would have never thought of. Although he took time to see me, I could feel the eagerness in him to meet me, in his replies. 

Fear, excitement, courage, nervousness was the mixed emotions that were flowing within me while I was waiting for him. Finally, the two months of patience (i met him on social media two months back but I can never accept that this soul never knew that soul before those months) bore fruit and he was there in front of me, in his blue motorbike, formally dressed. We shook hands, his hands felt warm. I couldn't deny that my hands trembled to have him near me at the very moment. He took me to his office, we entered in, he locked the door, my heart sank in fear. It was my trust in him that drove me to him but if my trust failed I thought my self-defense techniques would work. (I congratulated myself for forcing myself to learn self-defense). There are moments in life when we have to decide if we're going to jump from the cliff to have adventurous stories to tell when we're old. 

It was that instant for me and I thanked God for giving me a Parachute. Parachute in a sense that the guy who appeared to be tough, self-centered, and freaky was someone totally different in reality. His innocent eyes resembled the purity that he had in his heart. Someone so lovable sat just next to me. I wanted to time-travel space, bring the button of time and stop it for forever (which was not possible ). For the first time in life, I kept no guilt to keep someone in my heart, knowing that he had so many feelings for me. The only thing that stressed me was an ashtray (his habit of smoking makes me worry) which was on the table just in front of my eyes. For some reason, I couldn't be the real me but he also wasn't the real him (over sweetness in him made me feel that). In spite of our imperfections, life seemed so perfect,...so flawless. I had never imagined that Saturdays could be so lively yet everything was dying.

I learned an important lesson that day: If you're not willing to take a risk, you should challenge yourself. I did challenge myself and lived my life once and for forever. (memories got stored, never to be deleted). We deviated in our own directions as nothing was to be forever. Sometimes not the spoken words but the silences of the tranquility are heard better.

picture source:pixabay.com

An Unexpected Date

[If this is called date then this is the most beautiful date ever.]

It was one of those usual Saturdays of October. I was asleep until 11:30 am because of late-night work when my phone received a message. At first, my hands shivered (an electric pulse was generated within me) to know that it was the message from the girl with who I had been chatting on Facebook for 2 months. She wanted to meet me at that very moment. I couldn't miss that chance to meet her (she was neither my girlfriend nor my crush) as she was totally different from the other girls. I made her wait for about an hour (although she was in a hurry) and reached the place where she said she was.

Her yellow Kurtha, blue ripped jeans, black shawl, brown blonde hair, and black block hills completely differentiated her from her Facebook profile where she appeared in a sexy western outfit most of the time. We shook hands (her soft hands felt cold as if she had no blood in her body). I took her to my office which was vacant(Saturday is leisure day). We managed to sit next to each other on the same sofa (although she sat on another sofa at first). As I looked at her, I realized that her photos were more beautiful than she really was, We kept on talking (I spoke most of the time). I played guitar and sang a song which she recorded on her lava phone (one lava with another: I commented!..she blushed with signs of disagreement). It was after a very long time that I was talking to someone about how I really felt. It made me happy. If it had been for other girls, Physics and Biology would have mattered but with her the only thing that seemed important was Chemistry. The inexorable fall of her hair that mostly covered half of her face was something that my hands couldn't resist putting aside. The same doors that often got locked to uncover the apparel, that day got locked and unlocked with just the reveal of thoughts and feelings. For the first time, it was with her that something beyond physical desires seemed indispensable. We decided to depart with short words of goodbye and promised to meet again with eternal sounds of silence (sounds never heard).

picture source:pixabay.com

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