MIRROR

Whenever I stare at the large mirror of my tiny room, it shows two images of me: one vivid and another blur. In the first one, I find a pretty face in a perfect curvy body with the best complexion. It then makes me know that I am already what every girl would ever imagine being. I am compelled by my mirror to envy my own beauty. Glaring at my blue eyeballs, I wink at myself, I fall in love with myself.

Suddenly another image appears right in front of me where I see my face coated with black kazol(kazol mixed in my tears), I see small blue eyes with dreams as big as my mirror but vast fear surrounding it, I look at the stains of ugly touches on my body, they stink and I suffocate to survive, I notice sinister looks of men all over my curvy body and then I hate my body, I hate me more.

People curse those parents who kill their daughters in the womb but I bless them. I bless them because I have known,felt, and witnessed unsafe nights, scary public roads, demons in the face of men, forever blinded society(with their norms to always blame a girl, no matter what!). I guess those parents knew it already that's why they gave her a peaceful death.

With my loud voices, I declare"WORLD IS NOT SAFE FOR GIRLS. PLEASE BORN ONLY SONS UNTIL THERE REMAINS NO FEMALE IN THE WORLD! THEN LET'S SEE WHO RAPES WHO?"

Sorry to have said that boys. I do love men in the face of my father, my brother, my friends. The incident that has been permanently saved in my drive, drives me crazy every day. Let me tell you this in short.

I used to be a sports lover. I am still. I was selected from my college for a volleyball competition and I had to go to another city for that. We were in a group along with seniors and juniors. Despite my worst health condition, I practiced my best. My personal life was going like hell(ex-boyfriend kinds of stuff ( let's not talk about losers here). It was the day of the game when everyone went earlier and then I was the one who was left alone on the topmost floor (alone with my fever). I was lying almost unconscious in my bed when I felt a huge body garbing me from the back. I froze with fear. It was THE COACH. I couldn't believe that a person like a mentor would ever do such a thing to me. Well, it was not my first experience of introduction with such demons(i have been facing that since my childhood). I made him leave the room anyway and cried my heart out almost to death.

The thing that surprises me most is that those who were later on told about the incident did not take any action against that coach. Those are the guys who give vast lectures on women's rights and the protection of girls. These days I become more scared by thinking that what if i had been raped that day? Were they waiting for me to be raped to punish that demon? Or are they just taking it simple and minding their own business? I was more hurt by the ones who I thought were my well-wishers and who promised to give me justice than that coach who I had met just a few days before. 

Today let me announce dear well-wishers: now I have realized my power(the eternal power that your mother has, that my mother has and every woman of the world have). So next time if I see you on the street, with few candles. seeking justice for some innocent rape victim or talking about women's rights, I will hang you guys right there and afterward the culprit! because you guys are responsible to encourage the culprits. when people around the victim act as if nothing has happened they demotivate the victim and motivate the culprit.

NOW, as I have seen myself from my spirits, I don't stare at the mirror. I just look at it and I still see two images. The first one is the same and I adore it. The second one has become more visible to me. Now I feel like washing off my Kazol, bathing away the stinks from my body, and finally accepting the other me.

P.S. MY EYES: there is no fear anymore but don't look at them, they'll make you frightened for sure.

picture source:pixabay.com

From girl's perspective

As I never liked plans [my logic: plans generate expectations and expectations always hurts], I  surprised him with my message to meet me which he would have never thought of. Although he took time to see me, I could feel the eagerness in him to meet me, in his replies. 

Fear, excitement, courage, nervousness was the mixed emotions that were flowing within me while I was waiting for him. Finally, the two months of patience (i met him on social media two months back but I can never accept that this soul never knew that soul before those months) bore fruit and he was there in front of me, in his blue motorbike, formally dressed. We shook hands, his hands felt warm. I couldn't deny that my hands trembled to have him near me at the very moment. He took me to his office, we entered in, he locked the door, my heart sank in fear. It was my trust in him that drove me to him but if my trust failed I thought my self-defense techniques would work. (I congratulated myself for forcing myself to learn self-defense). There are moments in life when we have to decide if we're going to jump from the cliff to have adventurous stories to tell when we're old. 

It was that instant for me and I thanked God for giving me a Parachute. Parachute in a sense that the guy who appeared to be tough, self-centered, and freaky was someone totally different in reality. His innocent eyes resembled the purity that he had in his heart. Someone so lovable sat just next to me. I wanted to time-travel space, bring the button of time and stop it for forever (which was not possible ). For the first time in life, I kept no guilt to keep someone in my heart, knowing that he had so many feelings for me. The only thing that stressed me was an ashtray (his habit of smoking makes me worry) which was on the table just in front of my eyes. For some reason, I couldn't be the real me but he also wasn't the real him (over sweetness in him made me feel that). In spite of our imperfections, life seemed so perfect,...so flawless. I had never imagined that Saturdays could be so lively yet everything was dying.

I learned an important lesson that day: If you're not willing to take a risk, you should challenge yourself. I did challenge myself and lived my life once and for forever. (memories got stored, never to be deleted). We deviated in our own directions as nothing was to be forever. Sometimes not the spoken words but the silences of the tranquility are heard better.

picture source:pixabay.com

An Unexpected Date

[If this is called date then this is the most beautiful date ever.]

It was one of those usual Saturdays of October. I was asleep until 11:30 am because of late-night work when my phone received a message. At first, my hands shivered (an electric pulse was generated within me) to know that it was the message from the girl with who I had been chatting on Facebook for 2 months. She wanted to meet me at that very moment. I couldn't miss that chance to meet her (she was neither my girlfriend nor my crush) as she was totally different from the other girls. I made her wait for about an hour (although she was in a hurry) and reached the place where she said she was.

Her yellow Kurtha, blue ripped jeans, black shawl, brown blonde hair, and black block hills completely differentiated her from her Facebook profile where she appeared in a sexy western outfit most of the time. We shook hands (her soft hands felt cold as if she had no blood in her body). I took her to my office which was vacant(Saturday is leisure day). We managed to sit next to each other on the same sofa (although she sat on another sofa at first). As I looked at her, I realized that her photos were more beautiful than she really was, We kept on talking (I spoke most of the time). I played guitar and sang a song which she recorded on her lava phone (one lava with another: I commented!..she blushed with signs of disagreement). It was after a very long time that I was talking to someone about how I really felt. It made me happy. If it had been for other girls, Physics and Biology would have mattered but with her the only thing that seemed important was Chemistry. The inexorable fall of her hair that mostly covered half of her face was something that my hands couldn't resist putting aside. The same doors that often got locked to uncover the apparel, that day got locked and unlocked with just the reveal of thoughts and feelings. For the first time, it was with her that something beyond physical desires seemed indispensable. We decided to depart with short words of goodbye and promised to meet again with eternal sounds of silence (sounds never heard).

picture source:pixabay.com

YE Mat Kaho Khuda Se - MOST Inspiring - BK Asmita - Joy Sarkar - BK Medi...

RED part2

Nothing in the universe would have stopped me from playing those piled-up memories of the past in my messed-up stereo(brain). Not even the chilling cold of February made any sense to my skin.

The snow was falling upon my body, changing my black overcoat to the white one. I got totally lost as if I was a living mannequin(though I was dying inside).

.......that was the time of....., Well, I guess the most beautiful feeling in the world; people call it to love And I call it "my RED".Yes 'RED'! the color that I used to loathe was becoming my favorite while on the other side he was turning from a stranger to my priority. I was unaware that the most beautiful feelings might come up with the most destructive marks of life. My meetups with him were followed by just a small 'hi'(eyes spoke a lot though) in the beginning to the several hour's endless talks. I purposely dressed red whenever I met him. To be sincere, I didn't require my eyes to fall in love with him. This was beyond the comparison of so-called childish love(teenage attraction) where they fall and get up and then again fall. (nonsense).I haven't raised up since I have fallen; never wanted to; never dared to;...............................

.......I still remember. That was the night of the full moon when the moon shone bright orange(almost red)...The angels from heaven seemed to have noticed a girl lost in her imagination facing the moon through her (me) windows. In the meanwhile, the phone vibrated twice.

He messaged: "hey! my moon"...

                      "night is magical my love. let me steal you."

He seemed romantic. I didn't stop myself to furnish his emotions with my soulful words which eventually made both of us forget the real world, forget everything but us. He kept on explaining how he'd hold me close to his heart and hug me and be with me through my thick and thins. Just say; we were head over heels in love with each other.

I asked: "what would u do if I was there just next to u right now?"

He in no time replied: "U know what. I would just hold you close and feel you. I would do nothing else..your presence is the most magical thing in the world .i love you my love and they're not just words. I mean it."

This was completely an unexpected reply by the person who always had the fever of sex in his head. It was his honesty that made me love him crazily. Of course, he wasn't a perfect guy like every girl imagines of but however he was, he was true and that was enough for him to be my worst distraction, my stimulus, my medication. Yes, the magic existed that night. Everything seemed beautiful.i turned speechless,text_less.

He messaged again: "You are like RED color to me ."I had no words to reply back but we managed to chat unless we fell asleep without any "goodnight or sweet dreams" because we wanted to.

.....I was at that stage of life where hell sounded sound. I don't get any words that fit this worst feeling of being unwanted and unloved.IN the cafe:: watching the same person with same beards, same black hair, same clean skin, same lips, but with changed priority from me to her, made me think that "even the sun sets in paradise so what were we to be forever!!"It felt as if some sharp needle was piercing my nerves, my whole body. As soon as I realized this was not the scene in front that was hurting me, the image was a blur. My body was frozen with cold. I was even unable to shiver. I fell down in front of the cafe; helpless, scattered. Everything was blank. Blank but RED.(not black).   

picture source: pixabay.com

RED:part 1

While passing through the sub-street of the heart of New York City at midday of February, something unusual stroked my head with an unexpected beat in my heart.

Well! this was not the first time that I was walking through those large pavements. Those pavements touched the same old church, Rosemary's romantic cafe, department stores, a cyber, and so on. Though I lived in California, I used to visit my old, loving, and kind grandpa[an American citizen I have known in Nepal(my country)] in New York City every weekend.

I could not understand what was happening to me as it had never happened in these long years in America. At an instant, my body was shivering with sharp goosebumps as if I was going to face an adventure. I held my breath and pressed my palms with my fingers(making the fist hard) as hard as I could. Before my mind could get the information from my eye nerves, my whole body turned back towards Rosemary's romantic cafe that I had just crossed.

And then what I actually saw made me suffer from fever for about 300 seconds. the scene that my eyes captured through the transparent windows of the restaurant suddenly brought me back to my high school in Nepal 6 years behind. All the past memories splashed in my head within a fraction of time......well, I saw him.

(Him=The one and only person, I have ever given my heart to.)

I was peeping from those windows like a thief, like a criminal but with innocence in my eyes.  I was seeing him after 5 years.5 freaking years!!! and then the uninvited smile on my face turned to a gloomy silence as soon as I realized he was with a girl(sexy). The girl was perfectly red-dressed(maybe because RED is his all-time favorite). She seemed to be his girlfriend (perhaps wife). They were having a good time at a well-decorated table containing a beautiful cake. I was standing on the pieces of my broken dreams. To be honest that made me sick.

Ooh! My! Gosh!

The only thing that ran on my mind was the sentence"YOU ARE LIKE A RED COLOR TO ME".

picture source:pixabay.com

HELLOW WORLD

welcome to the world of Dibya